What does it mean to let go?

Letting go means to no longer hold onto feelings that don’t feel good or are depressing or negative thoughts that keep you in a dark place, leaving you miserable and generally alone. It means that you no longer need to rely on old coping methods, like staying angry or living in a constant state of bitterness and feeling betrayed.

You don’t have to forgive what was done to you. Any type of abuse is unwarranted. What happened to you was horrible, unfair, and just plain wrong. No one deserved that. When you let go, when you forgive yourself for not speaking up, not knowing what to do, not stopping it sooner because of false hopes, when you forgive yourself—all your fears that hold you back, which keep you from finding meaning and fulfillment in your life, will start to dissolve.

When we let go, we can learn to trust again, one of the hardest challenges for an abuse survivor because being vulnerable makes us feel like victims all over again. That’s why we learn to set boundaries by speaking up and saying No to poor treatment. Our new boundaries will only let in the people and situations we truly desire.

Your wants and desires may be anchored by darkness, but seeing the truth helps connect them to the light. Awareness and Self-Expression lead to letting go and moving forward on your healing path, moving toward the life you want.

 

You don’t have to forgive what happened to you.

One way to let go and see the truth—to forgive—is choosing to understand why someone hurt you. There were many men I allowed to assault me and women who bullied me because I didn’t give myself permission to use my powerful voice. I know that they came from broken and dysfunctional homes, too. They lacked role models and nurturing and caring families, but that didn’t justify what they did to me.

My brother was wrong in abusing me. What he did was unforgiveable. I acknowledged that he came from the same dysfunctional and traumatic childhood with the same parents who who didn’t know how to parent so many young children in a home where kids raised kids. By understanding this, I can see why my brother was driven to act out his desire for satisfaction. What he did to me was wrong, but he acted without anyone to teach him better and without the love a child needs to feel safe and secure. He, too, was sexually abused and he, too, didn’t know how to speak up and how to let go. Of course, that’s no excuse for doing what he did to me, but through this understanding—through this awareness—I can more easily see that the abuse was less about a personal vendetta and more about me being an undeserving target for someone else’s pain. My brother also suffered the effects of abuse, only he chose to create more pain for me and himself from his experience. His life was a product of his poor choices with serious consequences for all he literally and figuratively touched.

I also let go of my mother’s part in my abuse. I tried to speak up and tell her what my brother did, but she wouldn’t listen, or she blamed me for doing something wrong. As an adult woman, my mom admitted that if she had addressed my abuse issues, then she would have had to address her own abuse nightmares. How ironic that she, too, was abused by her brother, and by others, too. My mother chose to remain in denial despite the harm it did to me. She had a hard time setting boundaries and needed to learn to say no, but admitted that it was too large a task. She didn’t have the capacity to love herself enough to stop being ruled by her fears. Through this understanding, I can let go.

Let go of fear, and you will unleash your inner power, wisdom, and truth. Let go of fear, and you will find unconditional love of the highest order—love for yourself, where all other love starts.

“Forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone the behavior or, in any way, make a wrong into a right. It simply means that you give yourself permission to release from your past. It’s accepting that it has happened to you—not accepting that it was okay—but that it has happened. It’s not wishing that it could have been any other way.”

—Oprah Winfrey

Maybe I didn’t like the word “forgiveness,” because when I was told I had to forgive, it felt like I was saying, “What you did to me was okay, and if you do it again, I’ll forgive you.” Nope. I did that for decades, and it never felt good. It never felt right. But by knowing that the people who abused me were also products of abuse, I can more easily forgive through understanding. It doesn’t mean what they did was okay, but understanding frees me from yet another shackle of abuse.”

—Carole Avila

"Forgiveness. It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody. You are relieved of carrying that burden of resentment. You really are lighter. You feel lighter. You just drop that."

—Maya Angelou 

What happened to you wasn’t okay. Just let go of all the negativity surrounding the event. Bitterness, anger, and resentment only cause stress and poor health. These states of mind are self-imposed roadblocks to happiness and what you want in life.

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

—Catherine Ponder

Clearly, forgiveness is more about letting go so that life can move forward in your favor. It’s about enjoying emotional freedom—letting your true Self have wings and reaping the tremendous and satisfying benefits of having chosen to let go.